Cling wrap
Should I match? I don't think he's super cute. He's below average. But something tells me he's a really nice guy. His profile prompts seem to align with how I like to spend my free time. He looks quite cute in one photo. Hmm? Ok fine, let's just try. And right there, was the first rookie mistake I made on the app. Never match or swipe when you're saying to yourself "I'm sure I can do Mr Nice and work with this".
The minute I matched, he messages me straight away saying he didn't expect this for a guy like him. That was the first of many red flags to follow. And still I thought oh ok he's just being nice. Did I finally match with a Mr Nice guy? I couldn't shake that I felt no attraction to seeing his profile photos still. And I looked at them several times hoping they would change. I don't believe the whole "it's not about the looks". Yes, it is! Not 100% of the time but it does play a big factor in the attraction. Well, from my perspective and from my own experiences. He asks to exchange numbers so we can text more and take things off the app. I agreed. This was the next red flag and the start of what felt like months of unsettled and uncomfortable, when actually it was only one week of this! I did not anticipate what was to come.
Day 1 of having my phone number:
Him: so at work, when can I normally shoot you a message?
Me: you can message whenever. I've always got my phone on me. do you work day or night shift?
Seems like a friendly guy right?!
Day 2:
Him: that's good I'll try not to bother you too much in the office its gonna be hard though because I like talking with you.
Me: aww that's cute. It's all good I normally text throughout the day when I'm not busy with work.
Him: sorry about the last message I know it's a bit weird of me to say so I apologise.
Me: don't apologise, it's all good. At least you can be honest.
Him: so how many other guys have you got chatting you up for dates?
I'm thinking, wait a second, why did he say he likes talking to me. We haven't spoken on the phone yet. We've only been texting for one day. I guess the idea of messaging a girl is exciting for him. But I didn't feel the same yet. He then went on to tell me about how his last date didn't work out and that it was a mutual decision to not progress further. And then came the story about why his ex and him broke up and a spiel of information about himself - where he was born, what he does outside of work, what sport he plays, the number of people in his family, he has 4 tattoos, he loves country music, has a dog, his favourite sports team, the date and cause of his Mothers death and finally, his ultimate dating goal.
Day 3:
Him: and like I've told you, I'm on the app really wanting a life partner. someone I can share the rest of my life with and hoping to move in a place together. I've never been more serious in my life. I would do anything
It took me hours to respond. Not once did I ask for any of the information he was so forthcoming with. And even then, after reading through the desperate summary of his life, I didn't see the life size red flag waving in my face. I just thought wow that's a lot of information that I now need to reciprocate. And I only shared minimal details because my safety is always at the forefront of any and all my interactions with guys on the app. We've all watched the crime investigation channel at some point in life.
Then came the missed calls. Some were genuinely missed because I was busy and some, well, I missed on purpose because I specifically told him I was a texter. And I did that as my way of not saying out loud that I do not want to talk to this guy on the phone. We already spoke once on the phone for 30 minutes and it felt like a work meeting where the guy had 5 minutes to prepare his presentation and flopped with flying colours. And fast forward to day 3 and I've got these missed calls! And so began my avoiding him tactics. We never spoke on the phone ever again. Just more texting about how the day was going and him overpraising me and at this point we haven't met yet. Date one loomed upon me and we're messaging to confirm a date, time and location. Date one was set in motion and his emotions and affection were free flowing and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it or control it.
Day 4:
I haven't replied to his last message for two hours - because I am at work in meetings!
Him: are we still ok?
Him: sorry that was a very stupid question of me to ask you while you're at work. so if tomorrow night goes good we will do date number 2 haha
Somebody do a remake of Single White Female but for this guy. It's giving clingy. It's giving get off my back. Stop with the messages. Give me space. Why is this guy so weird? Why am I continuing with this nonsense? Oh yea that's right, because he's a nice guy and you haven't dated a nice guy before. You deserve a nice guy girl so explore it, embrace it and reap the rewards!
Him: question. are you still on the app or talking with guys on there?
Him: sorry about the last question I asked it's none of my business xx
Him: I really do hope we can find a way together to make it work, you enjoy your night out xx
Him: I really wanna apologise about how fast and some words have been. It's just that you are really the sweetest person I've met in a long time and I just don't wanna lose my chance. I really cannot wait until tomorrow x
Day of doom. Oops, I meant the day of our first date:
Him: you looking forward to tonight or not really? I haven't stopped talking about you to all the guys and the ladies at work about you lol
He messages that he has arrived. I check the clock and he is literally 35 minutes early. That's ok, I'm still getting ready and dreading the date. Shouldn't I feel excited like how I was on the previous date?
What should have been a 20 minute drive turned into a 35 minute drive. Even the traffic was trying to hold back my ass from the cling wrap.
I arrived. I walked in and can see he's sitting down the back. I approached him and he's beaming with the biggest smile ear to ear. I gave him the corporate hug and we sat down. All of a sudden I'm nervous and it's dawned on me that I am officially on a first date. And this time, he showed up. We talked for the next 2.5 hours and I had moments where I felt we were flirting and thought, ok, maybe I can see myself with this guy. But I knew deep down I had already made up my mind about this guy. It was a flat out no, we are not compatible.
Day 6. No work, it's the weekend baby!
I've consulted with both my Yoda's on the lead up to this point and how I am feeling. One is saying go on the second date. The other is saying hell no, pass it up and move on, he's not it. I sat on it for the whole day and the numerous messages came unanswered and missed call. He sent through photo's of his family, naming them from left to right, a photo of his car with the license plate and his full name. By now, I've had it and I can't do it anymore. I told him I'm busy all day and will respond when I get home. 12 hours later I messaged him and said good night and that I will respond properly the next day.
Day 7. The end is here. Finally:
Me: Morning, how are you? I've been doing some thinking this weekend and realised I'm just not ready yet and need to figure out what I want and my dating goals as this is all new to me and overwhelming. I hope you can understand. You seem like such a lovely person and I hope you find someone who's aligned with you x
Him: I thought you're gonna say that. sorry if it was something I said. thank you for making me realise I don't deserve to be with anyone. I appreciate you being honest.
Him: can you at least tell me all the stuff I did wrong so I can learn from my mistakes
Oh no I feel a bit bad. But why the heck is he saying he doesn't deserve to be with anyone? I can't believe he's directing that at me as if this is my fault.
Me: you didn't do anything wrong that's what I'm trying to say. we're just not aligned and I'm sorry about that. some advice though, be confident and strong in what you want and who you are as a man. don't overcompensate that. don't give away too much too soon and that's for your own safety and protection. take your time. don't feel discouraged by this because it's all part of the journey to finding your perfect woman. everything happens for a reason and whether it's a short or long journey to meeting the one, allow yourself to be open to the possibilities and it will strengthen your resilience for when things don't work out. and that can happen and that is ok. trust the process and have faith in yourself.
I know, I know. What in the Dr Phil was that whole message about but I was trying to be nice and speak from the heart. And then...
Him: yeah look whatever thanks for ruining the start of my week. I really tried here. told you a lot of personal stuff. thanks a lot
Him: but thanks for making me realise dating people isn't me. I just need to be by myself for the rest of my life. thank you for that. have a good life. bye
And then, she exhaled.
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