Crossroads

#non-dating blog

Alright, so I’ve just hit the big 36 and have decided to step into a new chapter with a shiny new job. Yesterday, I officially handed in my resignation. And today? Well, let’s just say I had a moment. A bit of a meltdown, really – questioning my choice, feeling all wobbly and unsure about this new job. I was scared of the unknown and started second-guessing everything. I even tried to walk it back and retract my resignation, but that didn’t exactly go as planned. Let’s just say the reaction I got wasn’t what I was expecting. And then it hit me: this job isn’t my life. It’s just a job. Plain and simple. It’s all business, no personal. I can’t let fear strangle me and stop me from taking on a great opportunity. Sure, the new gig comes with more work, but it’s going to be mentally stimulating and actually rewarding. That conversation where I tried to backpedal was hands down the hardest one I’ve ever had, and I felt like I was grovelling, tail between my legs, practically begging. But hey, at least now, when I leave, I won’t have any regrets. I can tick “having the tough conversation” off my list, right? I know I sound like I’m venting (and I am), but honestly, the pressure is unreal. I’m close to exploding!

Now, why is that? Well, I’m juggling so much: trying to make strides in my career, searching for my life partner, living my life, looking after my parents and dogs, dealing with health issues that just don’t know when to quit, staying financially stable while supporting both myself and my folks, and always being one step ahead of any disaster that might come my way. Yes, I’m fully aware that worse things are going on in the world, and I’m not trying to make this all about me. But right now, this is where my head and heart are at. My heart feels heavy, weighed down with worry and a little sorrow, but also filled with joy from all the love I get from family and friends. I’ve got my mentors who’ve been with me through thick and thin, always there to share their wisdom when I get stuck in a pickle. But honestly, right now, it all just feels so bloody heavy, and I can’t help but want to head home, curl up in bed, have a good cry, and sleep like a baby for a week. Next week will be my last day in this job, and I know I’ll probably cringe at this whole moment in hindsight, but that’s just life. Shit happens. You pick yourself up and keep moving forward.

On top of all this, there’s the whole dating scene, which is an absolute rollercoaster. I’m learning so much about myself and how much dating impacts me physically and mentally. It’s hard not to let the smallest things drive me crazy, but I’m trying to stay resilient through this grueling journey. I’ve had my fair share of crap experiences, but there’s been fun, too. The kind of fun that, while enjoyable, also leaves me feeling vulnerable, regretful, and empty. At my lowest points, I do a lot of soul-searching and try to learn from my mistakes, so I don’t repeat them. Recently, I came across the "Burning the Haystack" dating method, and let me tell you, it’s fascinating. The basic idea? “Block to burn” – meaning, if a guy isn’t taking you seriously, just block him. And you know what? The power of blocking someone on your phone is underrated. One tap, and boom – communication cut off. No more time or energy wasted. So, yeah, I’ve been doing a little clean-up on my dating apps and contact list. And let me tell you, it’s a bit embarrassing how many people have ended up in the “block” list compared to the “contact” list. I’m not perfect either – I know I’ve got my own flaws. But I’m trying to date with intention, only to keep attracting these “go with the flow” guys. Maybe they’re just as scared of commitment as I am? Or maybe that’s what they actually want. The hook-up culture is so normalised these days, and somehow, I’ve found myself a part of it, even though I always swore I wouldn’t be. But with each casual fling, I feel like I’m giving away a little piece of myself, even when I don’t want to. It’s hard to explain, but I know that feeling all too well.

So, to wrap up this little rant: I’m facing a lot of things right now that I’d love to just run away from, but I know I’ve got to face them head-on to build some resilience, character, and strength. I just wish I had someone to hold my hand through all of this, so I didn’t feel like I’m walking this cloudy road alone.