Happy Meals

Timothy was so eager to match. So eager that he tried to match on two dating apps. Except Timothy couldn't decide how old he wanted women to think he was. You see, on one dating profile, he was 34. And the other dating profile, he was 32. Given the online dating climate, we just can't trust this was simply a typo. The other thing I noticed was one profile had him in my city and the other profile had him in another city. Maybe he was travelling like I was about to shortly. I was actually getting ready to travel to the city he was in, allegedly. I checked his profile with a close friend and she thought hey why not give him a chance? He has a nice smile, I thought. But it still wasn't enough for me to want to swipe right. And yet I still did because I am trying to be open minded.

Fast forward to the end of the weekend and a few strong glasses of rum later, I decided let's check this guy out while I'm in town. And then I swiped right. Before I could blink, he shot across the first message. I thought okay wow that was fast. Let me pour another glass. This was where I should have stopped and just gone to bed. But the alcohol consumed my better judgement. Now he was on his way over to pick me up. I asked him what are we getting up to? He said we're going to hang out at his place and chill. I thought okay that's fine as I'm a few glasses deep of rum and not really in any condition to go out in public let a lone sit down for dinner.

He messages that he's at the gate. I replied that I am on the way. A quick check in the mirror at my outfit to make sure it was decent. Out the door I go. I suddenly stumped. Either the rum has hit me bad or I am seeing somebody less than 5'11, as he had claimed on his app. I thought umm maybe he's taller up close. But I knew he wasn't. I just told myself that to feel better in that split second. I walk down to greet him and it's evident, this guy is shorter than me and looks a bit different compared to his photos. I gave him the awkward I don't want to do this hug and we walked to his car. He was parked across the street and as we approached his car, he was making small talk and I was trying to process what I was seeing and my intuition screaming over the rum to not get into the car. We reach the car and all the windows are down. The back seats are covered with kids clothes and happy meal boxes. I can't say if it was the rum or my natural reaction but my facials reflected my immediate thoughts, "ew". Like come on dude, it's not that hard to do a 2-minute quick tidy up before picking up a date, And still, I thought, here we are, let's do this. I know I know, why do I torture myself. Well, I felt bad that he made the effort to come and now felt obligated to push on and endure the ride with Happy Meal fumes and dirty socks.

We arrive at his apartment and as we walked side by side, I realised he had slides on that had a thick base. Meaning he was actually shorter than I thought! I now have no phone reception as we're in the basement carpark. I can't even message anyone to cringe about this new discovery.

Wow, nice view from the apartment balcony. The decor was nice. I thought, wow! He has good taste. We sit on the couch to chat for a bit. Zero beverage offer. I asked him may I please have some water. Lets hope it's fresh water and not from one of the Happy Meal boxes in the car. Ugh. We continued chatting and immediately the rum is wearing off and I am feeling like I should not be here! He leans over and kisses me. It felt like I was kissing a relative. I had to curl my toes and close my eyes! And not in a way where I was feeling the moment. It was in a way where my body did not want this and I was not feeling this guy one bit. I tried to tap into the deepest part of my brain to draw from the rum and blame my next decision on it. We go to his bedroom and he jumps on top of me and starts kissing me passionately. I was clenching my fists hoping this would be all over asap! Then it hit me, WTF are you doing? JUST LEAVE and never see him ever again! I asked him to stop and said I can't do this. We lay there side by side in complete silence. It was so awkward. I knew I had to break the silence and leave. I asked where the bathroom was and he said it's okay don't worry things happen. Go bathroom then come back. So I go to the bathroom and as I'm peeing, I look around and admire the bathroom fixtures and lighting. And then, I see it. The reason the decor was so nice at the start of this date - women's beauty products. He just told me he has a 6 year old daughter and I know for damn sure no 6 year old uses an expensive hair straightener and Olaplex shampoo and conditioner. I felt so stupid at this point and realised that he most likely has a girlfriend. To avenge his lies, I decided to pee a little on his beautiful floor tiles. Bastard! I knew I needed to get out of there NOW. I washed my hands then went to say bid shorty goodbye. He insisted he books me an Uber or for him to drop me home. I declined and said I would get my own Uber. Shook his hand and said goodbye. I ran to the lift and dived in there when the doors were half open. I never smashed the close door button so fast! As I reach the lobby, I had forgotten his directions on how to exit the apartment. Now I'm passing thru gates and keep hitting dead ends. Meanwhile I'm looking up wondering if he's watching me navigate this maze of doom and laughing at me from his balcony. I turn right and can see a clear path to exit onto what looks like a road, I pass thru the date and realise I've reached a man made lake. I start power walking trying to find the gate to exit but the path keeps going and going. I'm now lightly jogging and searching frantically for the exit. And now praying! I figured okay, I need to turn back and go back to where I started and take a different turn - but what if the last gate I came through automatically locks? I will for sure be in deep shit if it has because my only option then would be to climb the gate!

Thankfully, the gate was unlocked. I took a few turns and then found the entrance we came through and there, my Uber was patiently waiting. And why did he wait 10-15 minutes for my dumbass to exit, because he too had a similar experience to mine and knew that I was stuck trying to get out. Finally, luck was on my side and getting my ass home where it should've stayed all night!

Once in bed, I immediately blocked his number and unmatched him on the dating app. This guy was such a damn chump! But also, taught me to stop feeling this sense of obligation to be polite and just see things through to avoid being mean and hurting peoples feelings because at the end of the day, I was the one who suffered through the stench of old Happy Meal boxes!