Mad Max Chemistry
Max is staring at me and smiling. I'm surprised how much taller he is in person. He's so good looking and I can tell he's a bit of a bad boy. We link arms and walk down the isle at the wedding rehearsal. He has big strong arms. I felt a little nervous walking next to him but we introduce ourselves and at the end of the isle, part ways and I avoid any contact as if we didn't just meet. I knew he had a girlfriend and a crazy past. He came with a lot of baggage, and that was that. So I thought.
Wedding day
I'm cold. It's the worst part of winter and we can't wear any jackets because of our dresses. I'm so tired but I need to be alert and ready for a long day ahead.
I grabbed my flowers and watch for my queue and walk down the isle. I look at Max and he's smiling at me. I smiled back at him. It's now our time to link up and do the isle exit together. I'm nervous because I'm wearing heels and hoping I don't fall over. I did a little jump over the creased mat and link arms with him. He says, "you look really good". I responded with, "yea, you too". We reach the end of the isle and part ways again and don't speak for the rest of the ceremony. We reach the reception and it's time to stand side by side and do our entrance dance. I asked him to not out dance me because I'm a nervous wreck and we both laugh. He asks to take a selfie and I agree. I look at his camera and we look so cute next to each other. The music is loud and it's time to walk in. We walk in together laughing awkwardly and take our seats at the opposite ends of the head table. Throughout the reception, I see him getting up, walking back and forth with his band singing songs. He has such a beautiful voice. I had no idea he could sing, wow! I noticed he keeps staring at me every time I walk past him. I shrug it off because I knew he was taken.
Friday Night
One week after the wedding, and we're planning to go out for drinks. We're excited and it's my last weekend on leave before I return to work. I get picked up and told that Max has not stopped talking about me to his friend. I am surprised and flattered. And then they tell me that we're doing a pit stop to pick up Max. Now I'm nervous because I know now that he's mad crushing on me and I wasn't prepared for this. I thought it was going to be a relaxed Friday night with drinks. Max joining us changes the dynamic. Nevertheless, I have 10 minutes to get myself and thoughts together because we're heading straight to his house. We pull up and Max jumps in acting all nonchalant. He says hi to me and off we go into the night. The weather was perfect. We park up at a lookout spot that has a lovely view. All I can see are the night lights and the liquor is pouring. We're all laughing and reflecting on the week of the wedding. Max then shows us his photos on his phone and pauses on the selfie of him and I. It was my first and last time seeing the photo of us and we looked so cute in it. He jokes that he loved the photo so much, although I knew it wasn't a joke. We all laughed and I hop out the car to have a cigarette. I'm talking with my friend and telling her how cute he is. The air is so cold and I'm starting to feel the alcohol.
We line up to show our ID's and enter the bar. It's pretty packed and I can just see a lot of guys and wasted people. We head to the corner and get comfortable. The music is blaring and I'm trying to settle in and blend with the crowd. Max checks on me asking if I'm ok and then we head to the bar together to get drinks. From there we head outside as I need a cigarette. He insists on accompanying me outside so I agreed. I spark up and look at him. He stares back and we both start grinning and laughing. No words exchanged. We chatted away and he introduces me to a few friends and they leave. It's back to just us two. He's being so flirty. I'm trying to avoid his advances and brush it off. It's getting harder to resist. I'm feeling some type of way now. I can't tell if it's the alcohol or if the alcohol has heightened what I was feeling all along.
We get dropped off to his friends party and now we're alone. He promises to take care of me and that we'll have a good night. I foolishly nodded and put all my trust in him. We see his friends sitting in a car and join them. The car starts and we're off. The driver has been drinking and insists Max takes over and drives the car. I begged Max not to and he surprisingly listens to me. The driver and his partner in crime drop us off to Max's house. I'm now feeling the full force of all the alcohol I've consumed for the past few hours. I can't stop talking and Max is enjoying every moment of it with his cheeky grin. We're standing on the street under the light and talking so close to each other about our families. He then asks me to come inside and hang out before I go home. I knew it was a bad idea but here I am. Holding his hand and sneaking into his house. Up the creaky stairs and I'm clinging to his arm and he's trying not to laugh. I can barely see because the house is dark. We make it up the stairs and straight across to his bedroom door. We sit down on his bed and he moves a few things around and turns on the heater as I'm freezing. We talk for the next 2 hours. Actually, I'm doing most the talking. Something I tend to do when I'm drunk. He's asking so many questions and we're getting to know each other. We're feeling a bit sleepy now but I need to get home but he doesn't want me to leave just yet. He leans back on his bed and gets comfortable and asks me to lay down next to him. I told him that's not a good idea but I'm feeling sleepy at this point. He assures me he won't do anything stupid so I lay down and get comfortable. He turns and hugs me from behind and I just laid there in silence. I didn't know what to do. But it felt so good to be in his arms. Even if it was wrong. I sat back up and knew I needed to organise a ride to get out of there. As I'm on my phone, he starts feeling me up and kissing my neck. I'm trying to resist but it's getting harder to. He's clutching me closer to him and starting to pull me back to lay down so he can kiss me. For a split second, I allowed myself to get carried away and enjoy the moment. I knew I had to pull forward and away before it was far too late. Which is exactly what I did. He let me go and moved closer to me and was holding me while I sat up on my phone trying to plan my exit. He continues feeling me up and grabbing my breasts. I have my clothes on and keep telling him to chill but he ignores me. Before I know it, he Dad opens the door and looks straight at me and down at his son's hands on my breasts. His eyes almost pop outside his head and my jaw drops. His Dad says "oh, hello!". Max laughs and quickly reaches for the door to close it and asks his Dad what's up. I am freaking out and Max is laughing. His Dad asks a few more questions behind the now closed door and walks away. I whack Max on the arm and tell him I'm leaving out the window and he reminds me that we're upstairs. I am now stuck inside. The sun is rising and I can hear his family all downstairs discussing the plans for the day. While I'm freaking out and pacing up and down the room, Max is laughing and loving every moment.
The sun is fully out and beaming through his window. I'm on the edge of the bed hyperventilating about how I am stuck inside his house and Max is cracking up telling me not to worry about a thing. I can't believe he's lapping up this very moment while I'm freaking the hell out! Max now has to go with his family to set up his brothers birthday. Unless I want to walk downstairs with him and be seen by his entire family, I have to stay in the room until he returns. We exchange numbers so we can stay in contact and he locks his bedroom door. It's dead silent in his room and my anxiety is through the damn roof!
I look around his room and screw my face up at the mess and have to refrain from doing a Marie Kondo on this ghetto ass typical boys bedroom. I go through his mail and see he has fines and letters from the police. Why am I not surprised!
Me: Max, I am going to kill you when you get back. You better hurry up and come back to me please I am freaking out!
Max doesn't respond to my message. My anxiety is intensifying. I can now hear his family upstairs literally behind the door that separates me from them. I felt spooked and got under the bed. OMG there is literally dust everywhere and I am now covered in it but I have to worry about that later. I look around under the bed and there is a pizza box, 2 litre coke bottle, cap and shorts. Ew! I'm now punching the letters on my phone begging my friend to pick me up ASAP! She's now changing her entire schedule to pick me up. Max still hasn't returned. All of a sudden, the bedroom door flies open. And for that brief 30 seconds, I died. A young guy walks in and looks in the cupboard for something and he's humming a song. He sounds excited. He quickly dashes back out the door and closes it. I am now on the verge of crying because I am scared of getting caught. 2 hours pass and I am now one with the dusty ass floor and pizza box. I hear a knock, "Jen, are you still in here". It's bloody Max! He throws the door back and quickly locks it, "Jen, Jen, are you here, where are you".
I can barely control my relief, "Max OMG I'm under here. Where the hell were you! I am going to kill you!". Max starts laughing and gets down on the floor and lays next to me except he's not under the bed with me and the dust. I tell him to get me out of there asap. He lifts the bed and I have zero strength to push myself back up to earth. He picks me up and helps dust off 6 months of filth from my clothes. I told him how disgusting under his bed is and we sit down on the bed and talk. He's asking if I'm ok and he can't stop laughing. I have no energy to respond because I can't tell if I'm hungover or have a headache from the lack of sleep. Or both. We talked more and then the door opens. It's my friend here to rescue me! The stairs and passage to the back door is clear. I make a run for it and Max has to get one last ass slap in. How mature! I run outside to freedom and throw up a middle finger to Max and say thank you for the sleepover. Max is almost on the ground from laughing.
Uh Oh
I've caught feelings. How did this happen? We only hung out that one time. I opened up to him a bit. I said too much. I am kicking myself with regret. Why did I drink so much that night and put myself in that situation. Max is messaging a lot now. I can't help but feel giddy like a high school girl every time I see his name appear on my phone when I receive a message. I can feel the happiness glowing from my face.
I make several trips to see Max. Every time we're together, it feels more and more electric between us. I know this is meant to be. He's made me smile more than ever and I couldn't get off this train wreck. I missed my stop and I'm enjoying the ride too much now.
Months pass by and we still haven't kissed. My self-control is reducing every time I'm around him. He has no self-control and I am constantly telling him to pause and give space. I'm becoming more weak as the days go on. My heart is giving in and I'm trying to align it with my brain.
We're heading to the beach for drinks and to hang out with our friends. Music is blasting so loud and I can see a few trouble makers around getting drunk and waiting for trouble to surface. I steer us away from them so we have our own corner on the beach. He's staring at me and smiling and I can feel his energy and emotions. I feel happy, content and still.
I am now frustrated because I can't bring myself to confess my feelings so I throw back more shots and bottles. I can't stop laughing with my friends. We're having such a good time. I look over at Max and he does half a smile at me and comes over to me, "are you ok?". I pushed him away.
We go outside to talk and sit on the bench. He's now throwing back shots so we can both end up on the same buzz. I looked up at the sky and admire the stars. Now he's talking nonsense while I'm trying to pour my heart out to him. He's not listening to me or trying to read between the lines. My frustration grows. I asked him, "what are we doing here? please tell me". He ignores me and our Uber arrives. As the car speeds through the streets, I realise we're going to his house. I'm now feeling sleeping and lay my head down on him to rest. I can feel the alcohol screaming to escape me. I'm feeling sick. I can't wait for the car to stop. Max is rambling to the Uber driver and laughing. We arrive at Max's house and I muster up the energy to open the door and out comes all the shots. I am feeling so sick all over the street and Max rushes to hold back my hair. I'm telling Max to leave me alone as I'm so frustrated with him but he continues to ignore me. We're sneaking back upstairs and he stops to get me some water. He guides me into his bedroom and turns on the tv. I open my eyes to try focus on the room and noticed he's changed the room around and it's super tidy. He definitely planned this and knew exactly how this night was going to end haha.
I got comfortable on the edge of the bed. He puts on a movie and I can barely focus. I jump up like a meerkat and head for the window to throw up again. He's holding my hair back and rubbing my back. I'm telling him to shut up and leave me along and he's saying be quiet just stop being a drama queen and finish throwing up. I look down and realise the tequila is now all over his Mum's flowers. Good one.
I've now officially spewed everything out and I'm ready for bed. I went to the bathroom to get myself together. I stood in front of the mirror and said nothing. I just stared back at my reflection knowing what was about to happen and trying to envision an alternative path but it was all set in motion.
I walk back to the room and Max has no shirt on. I tell him what an idiot he is and he laughs. I sit down and tell him I need to leave I shouldn't be here. He says it's ok we've had a big night, just have a nap then go, you're tired. He was right. I was so exhausted. I lay down on my side and he cuddles me. I closed my eyes for a moment and felt myself drifting off to sleep. And then, Max turns my face towards him and kisses me. I lost all self-control and finally let my guard down.
I woke up to the sun's rays trying to escape through the curtain gaps. OMG I slept at Max's house! I jumped up and turn to look at Max and he's sound asleep hugging me. Reality is hitting me now. What have I done. Oh no, my head is aching from last night. Ugh where am I? Max wakes up and we start going back and forth. He's telling me to calm down and that it's ok and asking me to stay with him for the day. I'm freaking out feeling bad that I'm there when I knew damn well I shouldn't have been. He looked back at me with such sad eyes so I stopped and sat down. He got up from his side of the bed to hug me. I got ready to leave. We're sneaking back down the creaky stairs and make a dash across the main hallway to the lounge. I'm less than 1 metre from freedom for the second time and not being caught. And then Max's Mum calls out to him. I froze at the door and Max pulls my arm and responds back to his Mum. She's in the other room and asks him to come. Max asks me to come with him but I looked at him like he was nuts and pulled my hand from his and ran out the door. I'm trying to pry the garden door open and it's stuck. I start praying to God for forgiveness and asking him to unlock the door. I assess the large hedge and realise there is no way I can Xena Warrior Princess over the hedge so I give the gate one last pull and it comes back to me. I run through the gate and look down - Max has my sneakers in his hand! I decided I will go home without shoes. As I begin to order my Uber, Max comes running down the pathway after me with my sneakers and as usual, laughing his ass off. He's trying to get me to stay but I refuse to stay. We go for a walk and laugh about what just happened and reflect on last night. I ordered my Uber and Max is upset. He wants to meet up again tonight but I can't. He's looking down at me and we just hug for a long time. As he held me, I knew that would be the last time I would see him in person and touch him. I don't know why I thought of that at that very moment. We kissed goodbye and I left.
Crossroads
On the plane returning home. All I can think about is Max and how much I've fallen for him. I start crying because I know it's going to end badly. We live in different countries and I can't move to where he is. He can't rush to move to me because he has so much to sort out. With his life, finances, and the past that had caught up. A few days went by and there was no contact. And yet my feelings were growing for Max. He was all I thought about. I missed him so much and knew I had to make a decision soon.
One week passes and he messages. We spend the next few days messaging. I know now that I've fallen bad for Max and want to be with him but I know it will never work being in two different countries. I've decided to leave things as they are and shift my focus to my new job.
The weeks turn into months and our contact is not as frequent as before. It's helping me move on and close the door. Exactly what I needed to protect my heart and keep me focused on this new job that's kicking my ass. So much to learn and do and all my assignments are due the same time as my work deadlines. After a boring meeting, I hear from Max. He wants to visit and stay with me. I reject his request because I knew if I saw him again, I would fall for him all over again and I was still hung up on him and trying to move on.
I'm at dinner and receive a message from a friend
Kay: Max is sick, we need to talk
Me: what's wrong with him? I'm out at a work dinner right now, I can't talk
Kay: He has cancer. It's not looking too good
My heart sunk. Why Max? How bad is the cancer? I had so many questions but had to stay in the moment during dinner. I rushed home so I could call Kay. She confirmed the details of his diagnosis. He was starting chemo. At this point, we were barely in contact but he was always on my mind every single day. I had to close the door on Max. This was the last sign I was going to get to protect myself from any heartache. I knew it was never going to work for us. I was filled with sadness at the thought of us never being together. I longed to be with him so much and yet I couldn't because there was so much in between us, keeping us apart. I had to accept it and take a turn away for good now. I hated this decision because I knew Max still cared about me so much.
Peace
Max and I are on a video call and laughing like we always do. I'm so happy seeing his face. The cancer has got to him so bad but his spirit was still strong and alive as ever. I loved seeing him smile and missed talking to him so much. It had been a few months since we last spoke and I forgot about the world for that moment. Max was messaging me reflecting on his life a lot and giving me advice on how to enjoy my life and live it to the fullest. Rather sombre but I understood where he was coming from.
Kay kept me updated on his progress as Max and I never talked about his health. I didn't want him to be sad and treated him as if nothing was happening. Just like old times. His laugh always made my heart smile. Max asked me several times to fly over and visit him. He wanted to talk with me. But I chose to consume myself with work and studies. I couldn't face him and open that door I had closed. I knew I had no strength to fight any feelings that would burn again for him. His messages continued to get very eerie and sad. I knew he was regretting a lot and wishing things were different for him. He's in and out of hospital now and recovering. In remission. It looks like he's going to recover. I'm over the moon for him!
Two months later, he's back in hospital. Things are worse than ever. It's returned and more aggressive than ever. Max is fighting through it with his humour as always. He's such a champ. He asks to video chat one morning and I chose to lie and say I was on my way to work. I was actually still in bed. I couldn't do it. I was scared for him and for me. I tried to call him later that morning and he didn't answer.
I see all the Facebook updates of people visiting Max and praying, singing and laughing with him at Hospice. He looks so thin and sick. But his wit hasn't faded at all. He's still charming as he battles the aches.
I wake up early the next morning from the sun. I forgot to close the blinds properly before I slept. I check my phone:
Kay: #RIPMAX
I can't believe it! He's gone from this earth! From the place we met, from the place we fell for each other and talked about the future. I'm all alone now. I feel the tears and pain ache across my face and heart. It's so overwhelming. I can't believe he's left me behind with no goodbye. I never got to tell him how much he meant to me and how much he changed my life. I had so many chances to tell him and I never did a damn thing. Now he's resting and never coming back. He's at peace.
Turn over a new leaf
I never made it to Max's funeral. I was too distraught. The next months that followed, I mourned his death. Most nights I cried myself to sleep and listened to his singing. It made me feel like he was still here on this earth. Kay visited the following month after his funeral and shared with me his final words before he passed.
Max: Tell her I'm sorry and thank you. I'm sorry about everything I put us through and I love her and I hope she finds someone way better than me.
I was distraught. Broken and felt sorrow like I've never felt before. Was he the one that got away? Why did God make us cross paths when he was going to take him away from me in the end? I had a long way to go before I could fully heal from this. Kay shared so many stories with me about him and how much he admired me. He never thought he could have a better life until he met me and felt so inspired to improve his life and do better overall. He planned to move here and be with me once he was better and give life a second chance, the right way this time. But God had other plans for Max.
I penned a letter to Max on December 20th 2019, days after he died. I plan to read this to him when I reach his gravestone. Until then, I share my letter and final words to my Max here with the world so they know what you meant to me.
Dear Max,
I’m so sorry I never got to video chat with you the last time you asked. I lied because I was too scared of seeing you and risking my heart opening up to you all over again when I was trying to be strong and move on, knowing you might leave this earth one day and leave me more heartbroken than I already was having to let you go last year and knowing how complicated things were with us and wanting to be with you so much. I thought you might be the one for me and I pictured us together, living happy and doing well, helping each other be better versions of us and doing good in life. I hoped you would get better one day and we cross paths again and our situations were better and everything was aligned for us for that second chance. I wished for that so bad. I’m filled with regret not telling you how much you changed me and had an impact on my life. You brought out this spark in me that I thought was dead and gone a long time ago. That first night we hung out, was one of the best nights I’ve ever had. I felt like a teenager again when I was with you and you made me forget how hectic my life was and all the shit I was going through at that time. You made me want more fun in life and I started to see things differently, despite how opposite we were. I write this in disbelief that your gone and wish this never happened to you. I wish you got better to live out your days happy and living the life you dreamt of. You had so much potential and I hope you knew that. Despite knowing how crazy your life was, there was just something about you that I was so drawn to and at a time, I felt like there was a balance. I wish I had the chance to be your girl and be there for you and help you, the way I thought would be good for you and to have someone I was so infatuated with, despite the circumstances. I never understood why things were so complicated but now I do. God had other plans for you and I knew I was never going to win you in the end, even if I tried. Maybe. I will always cherish the few memories we had and remember the way you made me feel and hope to feel that again one day. I will always remember you and will never forget your smart ass remarks that had me wanting to strangle and kiss you at the same time. You changed my life for the better and I thank you for that, always. I love you man and may you Rest In Peace now and watch over us - not watch my back haha thank you for coming into my life and making it crazy for that short period xoxo
Please watch over me Max and help me on this journey to find love. I will always miss you and love you forever. You came into my life at the right time xoxo
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